Blame It On The Hormones

So it's Sunday morning and I'm taking a break from sorting out my clothes for Sparkle. It's been an odd sort of week, well an odd sort of life if truth be told, but maybe more about that later, or not at all depending on how I feel.It started off much like any other week. Trying to get to work and back on an overcrowded bus, and then dealing with variety of angry / smelly, rude customers. Actully that's not entirely fair. There have been some very sweet and nice ones too. I guess the only thing is, is that the nasty ones do tend to outway the nice ones, but then that's the nature of the job.
I was looking forward to a bite to eat with the person who has been an astonishingly positive force in my life, Jodie Lynn, but come the Tuesday the poor thing had a terrible headache, and being the trooper that she is had been out with Rachel Green ( a girl who is a real pleasure to call a friend) on a shopping trip, so was not really up to then going out on top of that. So Tuesday night I was feeling a little worried about Jodie, who tends to put others before herself, and sorry for myself sat at home watching some show on television that I can't even remember.
Wednesday was much a repeat of the previous two days, every day at work is much the same, and then home again to watch television whilst all my friends went out to TrannyShack and enjoyed themselves whilst forgetting about me, or at least that's what I felt (can you see where this is going yet?).
Thursday was slightly different. I was at work for 6.30 am, as for some stupid reason I had volunteered to come in at that time to start some work early. At least it meant that I left a little early and headed into central London to meet up with Jodie for a bite to eat. I did alot of walking around. Mostly Leicester Square and Covent Garden until it was time to meet, and found out that the adorable Stacey was coming as well, since Jodie and her had had some business in central London.It was great to see them, but then it always is. If nothing else, itt reminds me of how lucky I am to know have such people in my life.
We had a nice meal at Balans. We laughed, we heard about the troubles that make lives that much more frustrating, and then we eventully went our seperate ways. I was feeling pretty good, although in my worrying mode I was still thinking if this was something that they felt obliagated to do rather than they wanted to do. Then I got home to find that both Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett had died.
Alot of people have questioned why people have made such a fuss about these two people whilst there are wars and faminine around the world. My response to that would be two fold; one who's to say that we cannot be concerned about both, and two; these people help make the soundtrack to our lives. Their music, their performances were at moments of our lives that we remember. They affected us emotionally, and when that happens you feel that they are part of your life. When they die, it is personnal to you.
Friday came, and I seemed to update my FB status every 5 minutes. I was a bit hyper that day. I was still worrying about things, but also knew that whatever else happens I need to move forward with my life. So I had my camera with me. For some time I had been telling my best friend at work that I would show her the photos from my New York holiday. Now I m not the most confident person, although I have got better, I am still a little bit shy. So for me to do this it was quite a big deal. In the afternoon I finally showed my friend the photos. I started off with a photo of Jodie, then her mummy, then a photo of Jodie, myself and Stacey at the Top of the Rock. Her reaction was quite funny. She looked at the photo of the three of us for awhile and then the slow realisation that the one in the middle was me. She pointed at me and said is that you?
The next thing she did? Said it must be so hard for you, and then hugged me! Later on she siddled up to me and said I think you look very beautiful! So I was grinning like a chesire cat for the rest of the day. She also said it wasn't that much of a surprise, and maybe this is something we might talk about later as she seems very open to talking about it. Couldn't have had a better reaction really.So thankyou Jodie. Thankyou Stacey. Indeed thankyou all the friends I have who have helped give me abit of confidence, and the ability to take a chance every now and then.
Okay so that's mixture of positive and negative I guess, but the thing that I have been thinking about whilst sorting through my clothes, including a vinatge dress that I got in NYC (sorry but it is one of my favourite things) is why when I have all this positive stuff happening in my life, whn things are heading in the right direction, do I worry so much? I worry about my job. I worry about ever getting a place of my own. I worry about actully getting FFS (and this is something that I want purely for myself ), and most of all I worry that my friends will forget me, or that we'll drift apart.
Now is it just me, or is this a little bit bonkers? I mean I can sit down here listening to Michael Jackson King Of Pop with the window open and a gentle breeze blowing and it all seems stupid, and yet I know that tomorrow I will start worrying again. I can reason that I have known most of my friends, apart from girls like Lisa, Dee, Rachel, for a number of years, it is unlikely that we won't know each other for many years to come. So I reckon that it's a combintion of knowing that I m no longer in contact with any old friends from school or even my previous job in Birmingham, and the old hormones . The thing is , is that I love these people so much, they mean so much to me, and I don't really know how 'successful' my transition will be, that the thought of losing them is pretty scary. So to those of you who might get the brunt of this I do apologise. Really I do, but I blame it on the hormones.xxxx