So this is the first posting to my blog in sometime. I bet all you who follow this, thought you had gotten away with it didn't you? Thought you would no longer have to read my senseless and completely self absorbed mutterings. Well how wrong were you!? Yes folks it's time for you to waste yet another x amount of minutes of your life reading this rubbish. Unless of course you've stopped reading now and are watching the X Factor or some such programme. Of course if you have you won't be reading this, so for all of you that are I have wasted even more of your time needlessly.
So here I am on Sunday after what was a great Saturday night out, ruminating on things. Something I do too much of really. Things have moved on. Life has progressed. I am by nature a very emotional person. Perhaps too emotional for my own good. I tend to think about things far too much. Analyse every little detail, and wonder what people meant when they say something. But then if you haven't gathered this by now you really haven't been paying attention. So rather than sitting down with one particular thought or point (why break the habit of a lifetime? ) I am just writing down whatever pops into this empty little head of mine.
Life changes us as people. Things happen that forms our thoughts and changes our emotions about things. Sometimes this is good. It means we are learning. We are growing. Sometimes though, well it kind of gets me down. As I said above I am an emotional girl. This can be both a good and bad thing. Without wanting to go bleating on about what a lonely childhood I had, because compared to many others my life was pretty good, my family was never really a 'family'. We kind of get along okay now, but I can't in all honesty say that I have a close relationship to either my Father or either of my brothers. However I get along with my Mummy very well . As I transition, yes of course the hormones are vitally important, and the changes they are making to me are a blessing. It means I don't hate the 'person' I see in the mirror so much. But what has been the biggest thrill to me is making emotional connections to people. Of having a kind of family. Indeed I do tell some of them this. I get the feeling it kind of freaks them out a little bit, and maybe this is something that I should keep to myself, but it is how I feel. So when I make connection to someone. When I call them a friend, it means something. I'm not saying it doesn't for others, or that whatever they feel when they say it is not just as valuable. I'm just saying that it changes how I feel inside.
So, and this is the point that I am somewhat going the scenic route to make, when that person changes, or drifts away, it kind of freaks me out, and what's worse it does it slowly. Now we all have our lives to lead, and that may mean that it takes us down different paths. There's nothing wrong with that, but knowing that doesn't make it hurt less. Of course I don't feel like this for every single person who I come across in life, but for those I call friend, for those who make n emotional impact on my life yes I do mean it! Of course there is very little I can do about it. You can offer support to others. You can offer them advice. But in the end you have to let them led their own life and make their own decisions. For those times that mean that we are no longer close then I have to learn to deal with it with less drama I guess. Posting whaling emotional outbursts on Twitter or Facebook, or whatever may provide an emotional outlet for myself, but does little to endear me to others, and certainly provides no solution to the problem.
Whilst I can deal with that intellectually, as much as it may sadden me, the other thing I have seen happen to friends is something that I have a huge problem with. Oooh. That sounds nicely dramatic doesn't it? Wish I had some suitable music to play, but Steps Gold Greatest Hits doesn't quite do it justice. What I mean is, and I haven't seen or experienced it with a lot of people, but with enough thank you very much, is someone changing their whole attitude and behaviour. Someone going from a loving kind thoughtful person to someone who is completely wrapped up in themselves and their own well being. I sometimes feel that I am in danger of becoming like that myself, so I do try to not only care for others, but let them know that I genuinely do, whilst at the same time not being too intrusive into their lives, and riding a unicycle whilst juggling chainsaws and wearing a blindfold. Okay well not the last bit but you get the idea. What's worse is when that person presents different sides of themselves to different people. When they deliberately lie and manipulate others to get what they want. I just don't get it. Why do it? are they saying that the friendship that whatever good times we had meant nothing? Because that's what it seems like to me. I have no answer to this, nor any expectation of one, I am just throwing it out there for anyone to think about or to ignore and watch tv instead.
Of course ultimately I believe that redemption, or positive change or whatever spin you want to put on it is possible for everyone. For that to happen though the person has to recognise that something is wrong, and that they may have hurt others. Sadly too often they refuse to accept this. I am not judging others. Really I'm not. Who am I to judge anyone? But I can't help but feel these things. Not only does it mean that those they have hurt continue to hurt, but it also means that they are missing out on love and support and so much that could be positive in their life.
In the end I guess that any relationships we form, be they romantic, or friendship demand a degree of faith in those we choose to get to know. We have to take a risk that it may not work out. That life may lead that person elsewhere or that they, or indeed ourselves, may change, because the only other option is to choose to be alone. To choose not to open ourselves up in case of being hurt. Some can and willingly make this choice, and every strength to them if that is what they want, but for me I don't want to. I want those friendships, the new 'family' I've made, even if it means that I might get hurt when it all goes South.
I miss this.
9 months ago