Sparkle In The Rain

For those of my readers (I have readers???!!!!) that may of not heard of it, Sparkle is yearly celebration of all things transgendered held in Manchester, a city in the North West of England. Until this year I had never attended it, but several of my friends had, and this is is seemingly becoming a quite significant year for me, I thought that I might as well give it go.

I was lucky enough to be offered both a lift there and back by a friend of mine called Dee, another first timer. Dee is lovely t girl, who has real eye for style, and is more than happy with dressing whilst not taking it any further. This is really a long winded way of saying she is transvestite rather than a transsexual.

We drove up on Thursday morning, a journey that took about 4.5 hours, and arrived at The Place ( the hotel where we, and alot of other attendees were staying ) without too much trouble. All I can say is that I could quite happily live there. The rooms were huge, and it felt good to be able to spread my belonings out into the various cupboards and drawers without having to worry about space.

There was not a huge amount going on that evening, as Sparkle officially started on the Friday, but several of us met for an evening meal, which was very enjoyable. Afterwards I went back to the hotel and just chilled. I was quite tired after the journey, and wanted to be rested for the next day.

Friday came, and again, and Jodie, her sweet friend Gemma, and her lovely Mummy Maureen arrived. Jodie and the others worked so hard that weekend. On the Friday she did 14 makeovers, and on the Saturday 17!! For instance on the Saturday they started at 8.30 in the morning and finished at gone 7.00pm, and each girl was given such care and attention. Quite how they did it I don't know, but it was so appreciated.

Others went out to go shopping, or to bar or something else, and I stayed behind. It felt a little strange, but I just did not feel like heading out into the city centre. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't because I was worried or anything like that. I just didn't feel like it.

I guess it's something that I do struggle with. I find it had to believe, for at least some of the time if not all of it, that people truly want to spend time with me. I know it's silly. s I have said in previous blog entries I can it down and think rationally about it, but so often when I got out I feel like I'm almost intruding on other people's time. Of course I am maybe over empathising this. It's not like I feel it all the time, but it is something that I need to work on I think.

Once again there was a lovely meal in the evening with good friends. To me the food was okay, very pleasant, but the thing that made it was the company. Again I headed back to the hotel, maybe too early, but was happy enough in myself.

Saturday was when things really started to happen. There was a makeover in the morning followed by a journey into Manchester city centre with Lisa and Rachel. We wandered around the shops, and I looked at all the clothes and shoes ( I do love my shoes ) that I couldn't afford. It was very nice. Very ordinary. We were never bothered, at least not that I noticed, apart from one teenage girl who sniggered. It didn't really bother me. It was all over in a few seconds, and that person will have no impact on any of our lives. I would hope that anyone who has experienced this, which must be near enough 100%, would not let other's ignorance control how they live their lives. In fact at one point a very nice lady and her young daughter stopped and asked me directions. My ego would like me to think that they did not realise that I was transgendered, but maybe they just didn't care.

Later we met with others for a really nice meal at Harvey Nichols, an upper class department store, and I walked back with Stacey and Sarah as I had a makeover planned for the afternoon.
In the evening I met with a dear dear friend called Jilly, and her wife Diane, as well as Ashley and Deborah. We had the most gorgeous meal at a place called Vigglgieos (?) and then the heavens opened.

We made it back to the hotel, not too wet, and settled down in the hotel bar. Two women joined us and started chatting. They were on a hen night, and nothing to do with Sparkle. They were so open to learning about us all, so open, and an utter joy to talk to. What made it for me was that until I told her, the woman that I was chatting to thought that I was a genetic woman. Now I am under no illusions of 'passing', but still when she said that. Well it meant alot to me.

Eventually I went back to my room, after having such a great night. I would have loved to have seen Jodie, Gemma, and Maureen, if only to thank them for all their hard work and for making it so special for me. Still it was good night spent with people I love, and you can't really get much better than that.

Of course Sunday saw me crashing back down to Earth, as we had to leave our friends and head back to London. So thankyou to each and every one of you girls who really made it such a lovely time.

Did I learn anything from this? I would like to think so. Even the negative things in life can be used in a positive way. Firstly I m the first to admit that I need to work on my confidence, and accept the fact that people might want to spend time with me, however hard that is to believe. Secondly I need to work harder on going out with friends. Rather than just tagging along or sitting alone I need to make some steps in reaching out to others, whether that's phone call or a text or whatever. I cannot expect it to come to me. I need to do something. Thirdly I can, whilst maybe not passing, at lest live in the real world. I can go out shopping, or to a bar or restaurant or whatever.

I am not saying that I am going to change these things overnight. Indeed as I write this I don't entirely believe it, but maybe these moments can be strung together to make a pretty good life, and maybe my friends do actually like spending time with me, and maybe just maybe I am a little stronger than I thought I was.

Thanks to Jodie, Gemma, Maureen (but not Spike!), Dee, Rachel, Lisa, Stacey, Jilly, Diane, Ashley, Deborah, Tessa, Sara, Sarah, Tina, Lisa S and anyone else for being such great people.