Restless.

The weather is changing. It's a little bit warmer, a little bit less snow, and the sun shines a little bit brighter, but it's still cold. I guess life is like that. I mean things change, and granted there can be times when it happens in the blink of an eye, but generally change gradually. Sometimes this is good. It allows us time to get used to things, to grow accustomed to them, and sometimes it can be stressful. Wanting a situation to change quickly and having to wait for things.

I guess that that is what my life is like at the moment. When I look at where I have come from, from where I started this journey that I am on I certainly have come along way, and yet I have such a long way to go, and sometimes it seems too far to actually ever reach that place, wherever that place might actually be.

2009 will be a big year for me. Personal matters not connected with my transsexuality prevented me from beginning hormones, and coming out to the rest of my family last year. Hopefully things have improved to allow me to really step up the gears a bit. Of course I don't want to rush headlong into things, but I have had 40 odd years of living a lie ( a cliche but true), and to be honest with you I'm fed up with it. I did not realise just how much it affected me physically let alone psychologically and emotionally.

I used to get all manner of cold,illnesses and the like. Since I came out to my Mom, since I started actually doing something, of taking some postivie steps forward in my life, most if not all of those things have disappeared.Is this a sign that I am doing the right thing? Well I have never had any doubt that I am, but if others needed proof I think this is it.

So I am doing things now that I should have done a long time ago. Next Friday I have an appointment with Dr Curtis and hopefully this will lead to starting hormones. Then a week after that I and 3 good friends ( all of which are stunning girls ) will be attending a speech by Dr Spiegel, and 3 of us will be taking the opportunity to have a consultation with him, since one of our group has already had some work done, and looks fabulous for it. Of course it does not mean that I am going to have FFS next week, but it is giving me options. Options which I will take at the right time for me.

I have lots of social occassions lined up. Theatre trips, a holiday to New York, (the first time I have been abroad for 17 years!) and various nights out one of which is my Mom meeting two girls (one gg one tg) who mean the world to me. It's all good stuff. In many ways it's all monentus stuff, so why do I feel so restless? I don't want this to sound too dramatic. It's not like I am wracked with despair or am sat alone in the dark listening to Leonard Cohen albums.

At the end of the day I guess that we can all feel like this, irrespective of being ts, tv or genetic. It's life isn't it? I think that some ts girls make the mistake of thinking that transitioning will solve all their problems, and make them happy. Of course it wont. In fact in some ways it may well create new ones. Although society on the whole is more accepting, there is still bigorty out there, and still a long way to go before all transgendered people are accepted, and treated, just as people. However what transitioning does do is allow those of us that decide to undertake it to face life, and all it's good and bad moments, as ourselves, as the people we truly are, without the great weight of being in the wrong body, of not being able to recognisee ourselves in the mirror.