Shut up

So here's another long winded moan about how dreadful my life is, how I am a complete fraud, and all my friends are in the process of moving on with their lives whilst I get left behind. Actually it isn't really. At least it's not meant to be. That was just an example of the point I m trying to make. Everyone, regardless of how 'fantastic' their lives appear to be, regardless of how successful or popular they are, has worries and problems. But they don't share theirs with the mass public, and sometimes don't share them with anyone. So why do I, and I guess others, seem so intent of letting not only our 'friends', but people we have no connection at all to, know every intimate detail, and every deepest feeling, of our lives? Does it help us? Does it help them? And do they really want or even need to know?



Listen I don't want this to be turned into some great big cry for help, but I have been going through a tough point in my life at the moment, and no matter how hard I try to control how I feel, and to be positive, those nasty little doubts and fears keep creeping up on me and whispering in my ear. I can try and ignore them. I can try and meet them head on. But at the end of the day they always seem to be there waiting for me. But does anybody really care, and even if they do is it really fair to them to force this into their lives?



As I have transitioned the thing that has really struck me, and I might have said this to you before, I usually do repeat myself, is that whilst the physical changes are great (and oh how brilliant they are), it's the emotional and psychological journey that has really struck me. I don't mean 'realising' I was a transsexual. I have never had any doubts about who and what I am. I mean the connections, be they brief or other wise, that I have made with others, and the friendships I have made. The good times and the bad times I have had. Of course we are all different, but I do think that anyone who tries to ignore this aspect of themselves and concentrate purely on the physical journey is heading towards trouble.



But, and here's the problem, there is a world of difference between thinking and feeling these things, and sharing them with the world. Does anybody really care? And even if they do it strikes me as rather self centred to impose this upon them (see I told you I repeated myself), be it by blogs or status updates or the other 1001 things that make it possible for us to share our innermost thoughts. So why do it?



I guess that there isn't one nice neat answer. People do like to put things into neat little categories don't they? I mean even within the transgendered community I have heard and seen heated discussions of what it is to be a ts or a tv or whatever. There does seem to be an attitude that if you are not doing it this way, or not experiencing this thing, then it's all wrong and you should be ashamed of yourself. Indeed some people seem to think it's kind of competition or race. The truth is that we all need to find our own way in life. To find our own path and to tread it as kindly as possible.



Anyway I digress. Back to my point you lucky readers. I have always been an emotional kind of person. Even when I was young, and there were only 3 channels on television (yes that long ago)I reacted very emotionally to things. As some told me recently I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I think that is absolutely true. So thanks to Mr Inter and his net I am now able to share those feelings and reactions with complete strangers, and even better than that friends who already know how I feel. But there comes a point, no matter how wonderful your friends are, and no matter what sort of pain you are in, that when they see another posting from you they are going to roles their eyes to the ceiling and sigh. There is only so much anyone can take.



I guess that this is playing on my mind as I see those I have become close to, perhaps too close to, move on with their lives, both personally and professionally. Caught between wanting to shre my feelings with them, and knowing that more likely than not they don't really want or need to know. Of course I am pleased for them. Of course I want them to be nothing but happy and fulfilled, particularly those I am very close to , because not only do they deserve it, but they have given me so much. However as they become more successful, or enjoy their lives more, I see that I appear to be standing still. To not really be going anywhere. Nor am I likely to, at least that is one of my fears. I will be left behind. It's a bit like standing on the side of a road as your nearest and dearest speed off to good times in some snappy little sports car.



But why put my thoughts and feelings into blogs, or Twitter, or Facebook, or .. hang on let me just check. Keep yourselves amused...... on yeah emails, phone calls, text messages, and in person. Okay think that's everything. Is it some kind of escape valve? A way to let all of these fear out of my system? I like to think that I am an honest kind of person. If anyone asks me something I always try to be completely truthful, whilst not hurting anyone. I am more than happy to share any aspect of my life that others may want to know. I guess it comes down to knowing when to shut up and keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, not for your benefit but for theirs.



Personally I care deeply for my friends. In fact some of them know I consider them family, and indeed am closer to them than any of my blood relatives. Perhaps that is part of my problem. As I have said to others I become too emotionally attached to those I care about. Anyway I am digressing yet again. I want to know how they feel, whether they are happy or sad, and how I can help them. To help them achieve their dreams, and I don't think that laying all this upon them is particularly helpful to them.



Am I looking for that to be reciprocated? Is that why I do this? I don't think so, at least not consciously. I have been told to get a grip, to stop looking for a pity party. I wasn't aware that I was doing this. I thought I was just sharing how I felt with others. Oh and before I go on those that said this are GOOD kind people, so please do not think ill of them. However not only does this kind of make my appoint about being an irritation, but maybe they are right. Maybe I am lookinf for that party. Maybe that is why I post these things, because I think that there isn't anything else they could feel for me.



I once was chatting with friends about what the future held for us, and the possibility came up that I might well end up alone in some pokey little bedsit. You know what I think that is a distinct likelihood. I think the person that suggested that I might was right. They weren't trying to be cruel, or to make me worry. They were simply trying to point out that for those of us that lead this life it can be a lonely place to be. So maybe I post these things for someone to tell me I wont. That I wont be alone in a pokey bedsit. Maybe it's reassurance I want.



I don't know. The truth is that it's probably a combination of all or none of these. Life is rarely, I won't say never just rarely, simple. The answers to any of this emotionally filled rubbish that springs forth from my (or anyone elses) keyboard are not to be found in one neat little sentence. Maybe part of the answer is to step back from sharing all these thoughts. To give others a chance to breath.



As to me I don't want you to get the wrong impression. The trouble with reading anything like this, is that it starts to define how others see you. In fact it becomes the only way others see you. Yes I have these worries and fears, and yes I do think that the reality is that as others move on I will get left behind, but do I let it dominate my life? Is it all that I think about and feel? I don't think so. At least I try not to let it define me, and for this precise moment in time that will have to do. I think there is way more to me than this. It's just knowing when to share it and when to shut up!