Restless.

The weather is changing. It's a little bit warmer, a little bit less snow, and the sun shines a little bit brighter, but it's still cold. I guess life is like that. I mean things change, and granted there can be times when it happens in the blink of an eye, but generally change gradually. Sometimes this is good. It allows us time to get used to things, to grow accustomed to them, and sometimes it can be stressful. Wanting a situation to change quickly and having to wait for things.

I guess that that is what my life is like at the moment. When I look at where I have come from, from where I started this journey that I am on I certainly have come along way, and yet I have such a long way to go, and sometimes it seems too far to actually ever reach that place, wherever that place might actually be.

2009 will be a big year for me. Personal matters not connected with my transsexuality prevented me from beginning hormones, and coming out to the rest of my family last year. Hopefully things have improved to allow me to really step up the gears a bit. Of course I don't want to rush headlong into things, but I have had 40 odd years of living a lie ( a cliche but true), and to be honest with you I'm fed up with it. I did not realise just how much it affected me physically let alone psychologically and emotionally.

I used to get all manner of cold,illnesses and the like. Since I came out to my Mom, since I started actually doing something, of taking some postivie steps forward in my life, most if not all of those things have disappeared.Is this a sign that I am doing the right thing? Well I have never had any doubt that I am, but if others needed proof I think this is it.

So I am doing things now that I should have done a long time ago. Next Friday I have an appointment with Dr Curtis and hopefully this will lead to starting hormones. Then a week after that I and 3 good friends ( all of which are stunning girls ) will be attending a speech by Dr Spiegel, and 3 of us will be taking the opportunity to have a consultation with him, since one of our group has already had some work done, and looks fabulous for it. Of course it does not mean that I am going to have FFS next week, but it is giving me options. Options which I will take at the right time for me.

I have lots of social occassions lined up. Theatre trips, a holiday to New York, (the first time I have been abroad for 17 years!) and various nights out one of which is my Mom meeting two girls (one gg one tg) who mean the world to me. It's all good stuff. In many ways it's all monentus stuff, so why do I feel so restless? I don't want this to sound too dramatic. It's not like I am wracked with despair or am sat alone in the dark listening to Leonard Cohen albums.

At the end of the day I guess that we can all feel like this, irrespective of being ts, tv or genetic. It's life isn't it? I think that some ts girls make the mistake of thinking that transitioning will solve all their problems, and make them happy. Of course it wont. In fact in some ways it may well create new ones. Although society on the whole is more accepting, there is still bigorty out there, and still a long way to go before all transgendered people are accepted, and treated, just as people. However what transitioning does do is allow those of us that decide to undertake it to face life, and all it's good and bad moments, as ourselves, as the people we truly are, without the great weight of being in the wrong body, of not being able to recognisee ourselves in the mirror.

Snow Day!!

Well the snow outside is falling still. About 5 or 6 inches on the ground. All London buses are suspended as well as alot of the underground network. This leaves me with the only option to walk 5 miles into work. I've called into work, and they have said not to work in, but if the transport situation improves to get in.

So where was I? Yeah I was telling you a bit about how I come to be where I am at the moment. I guess that my story is not alot different to that of many other transgendered women. I am the youngest of three children. My Father was largely absent from our lives. His concentration was always his career. Well that and cheating on my Mother. I didn't find out that fact until last year when I came out to my Mom. Not only that but he was, and I guess still is, bisexual. My Mom married him knowing that this was the case. Back in those days if his colleagues had found out it would have been the end of his career. So she married him thinking he would be family orientated and be able to give her the children she really wanted.

Of course it all went wrong. They divorced when I was 10 or so, but I was never told this. It wasn't like I missed him, as he was rarely there. He would have several affairs and not really have much if anything to do with his children. It was a case of diminishing really. The eldest was okay, as he was clever and tall, and everything a parent could want. The second was less so, a bit of a rogue who got into a bit of trouble, and by the time I came along I was really payed much attention to by him.

I guess we get on okay now. He is a lonely old man rattling around in a huge house and I have some degree of sympathy for him. I wrote him a letter sometime ago pouring out my feelings about my childhood (although not mentioning my transsexualism). His response was not brilliant, but the act of writing that letter was very carthetic. Alot of his life is about how things affect him, and how HE feels, but then I guess we are all like that to a degree. I have written a letter explaining that I am a ts, and hope to give that to him soon. So we will see if this brings us closer or not.

My two brothers seem to compete to see how much that could bully and upset me. It could be anything from the music I liked to what I read, or the games I liked to play. I think my middle brother wanted to impress my eldest brother,and the way to do this was to make me cry or run to my room and slam my door. However now, although there is a certain distance between us, we get on okay. They were children too and trying to find their place in the world so I bear them no ill will.

Lucky I had, and still do have, my Mom. We were very close, and in many ways she was my refuge from what my brothers threw at me. But there was this whole secret part of me that they knew nothing about. Or at least that is what I thought. I would read books or recored programmes on transsexuals or transvestites. Or cut out magazine or newspaper articles. ALot of these didn't ring true to me. It was like they were on target, but just not hitting the bullseye. It wasn't until I read about April Ashley that that light bulb went on in my head, and I recognise that that is how I felt. That is what I was.

Still the possibility of 'changing sex' seemed a fantastical one to me, and about as realistic as jumping in the Millenium Falcon and flying off. So I contented myself with those articles and books, with lonely and hurried dressing sessions in those few brief moments I afforded myself in my room. I thought that that is how it would always be. Some sort of half life. Living, but not really living.That wonderful thing called the internet opened up my world alot. I saw that this was something that other felt too. It wasn't just me and a few 'celebrity' transsexuals. And yet I was never truly convinced that it was possible for me. Sure for others, but not for me.

I would go to a certain 'shop' that dealt in ts and tv books and clothes. It gave me a little relieft, but it still felt not right. It was all too sexual based, and seedy. It was all geared towards being sexually aroused and it wasn't how I felt. I didn't want to be turned on. I wanted to be a woman. Then I found a place called The Boudoir. This is a dressing service run by a genetic girl called Jodie. The adverts had no sexual element to them, and I thought one person I could handle dressing in front of one person.

So I travelled up to London and walked around outside the place for , I guess it must have been 1 or 2 hours. Eventually I went in. I guess I thought it's make or break. It's take a risk or just continue to live this rather sad little life. We all have turning points in our lives. Moments when one small decision can have an effect that continues to send ripples throughout the rest of our lives. That was one of those moments.

Jodie is now one of my dearest dearest friends. Through gently pushing out of that nest I have a social life. I go to the theatre, to meals out, to clubs. Heck in 4 months I will be going to New York! I never thought this was possible. That I could express my true self, and enjoy life as the person that I really am. That all sounds a bit cliched doesn't it? But I really don't know how else to put it, because that is how I feel.

So again I thought this is how my life is going to be. I can't live as a woman. I can't transition (as I now recognised it), but at least this makes life more bearable. Well yet again life surprised me. I started facial hair removal treatment, which is progressing well. I had my eyebrows shaped from the large monobrow to two much more feminine brows. I started ordering more feminine clothes, and actually made an appointment to see gender specialist Dr Richard Curtis, who is a female to male transsexual. Then my Mom found out. She said she wanted to have a chat with me, and I sort of got a notion of what it was going to be about. He attitude towards gay or transgendered people had always been rather old fashioned so I wasn't expecting an easy ride, and yet for some reason I wasn't afraid. I certainly wasn't ashamed.

We sat down at the kitchen table and talked. It was so ordinary. It was so relaxed. There was no dramatic music or drum role. No 'Never darken my doorstep!'. Sure there were questions. Did I want to be a woman? Was I going to change sex? I answered all her questions. For some reason I cannot explain I was calm, and I was determined not to let the opportunity for her to get to know her daughter pass by. When she found out that it wasn't some sexual kick, that I had friends and a social life she was pleased, and yes I do mean pleased.

Life continues to progress. She is slowly coming to terms with it I think. I gave her a copy of a book 'True Selves' which helped alot, and continue to answer any questions she may have. It's a continuing process. It is not a case of she accepts end of story. This year she bought me two pieces of jewelry and adressed my Christmas card to Emma. Little things that mean the world to me. There is a way to go, and other family members to come out to, but as my Mom proved people can surprise you.

FFS, SRS. These are things in my future. I don't know about employment. I have a feeling that I will need to get another job. The people I currently work with are good people, but the area is a relatively rough one, and it seems it might be wise to look elsewhere. However my future looks more rosey that I thought it could. I have some truly amazing friends, and people to support and love me. Sure I would love a place of my own, a new job, and of course someone to love and to love me, but most importantly living as the woman I am is not only possible, but will happen and that is priceless.

So I guess I start here.

It's late on a Sunday night. The snow is falling outside, and I really should be in bed, not watching late night television, and working on this blog. Mind you it's about time that I wrote something for this. I mean I have had a blank page for long enough.

Sometime I feel that that is exactly what my life has been like. One big blank page that shows nothing, and has nothing worth remembering. Well at least that is how I used to feel. I have drifted through life aimlessly for so many years. Too many years, and now I would be lying if I didn't say that I had a sense of direction, of at the very least, where I want to be.

But I am getting ahead of myself, and not for the first time. Patience has never been a great virtue of mine. Sure I have bitten my tongue and stayed quiet, but inside I have been burning up. So if anyone is reading this you can probably guess that I am transgendered. The title kind of gives it away really doesn't it? To put it more precisely I am a transsexual. A male to female pre-op transsexual.

I live in London, Britain's capital city, and work here too. It's a great city in many ways. In terms of things to do and see it offers so much, and for those of us that are transgendered alot of good contacts. But a big city has its' own set of problems too. It can be, no it is, expensive, and can be impersonal at times. People are always in a rush, and will physically push into you. Maybe it's modern life, maybe because alot of the people in the city don't actually live there. I'm not sure, and I guess that in the end it doesn't really matter. We just have to get on with it don't we?

I came here about 5 years ago, and it was then that things really began to move forward for me towards wherever my journey takes me to. I only recently realised how isolated I was in my previous city. I have stayed in regular contact with just one friend from there. A guy who does not know of my t status, but we were/are good friends, so who knows how he would react if he found out, and I find that a bit shocking.

Don't get me wrong I got on fine with the people I worked with. More than fine with quite a few of them, and yet now that we no longer work together that relationship, has for all intent and purpose has broken down. I can live with that, and yet it does strike me as rather sad. That I can spend so much time with people, and yet the relationship isn't as strong, or as deep, as I thought it was.

But again I am getting ahead of myself here. It's late and I really should be getting some sleep, but I'll explain a bit more in my next entry, which I am sure you will all be waiting with baited breath for! Until then Ciao!