The Past 2 Weeks

So aren't you the lucky ones? Two blogs in one day! What do you men you haven't even read the other one?! Actually I'm not surprised, but at least writing them gives me something to do.
Well I have been on holiday, away from the pit of despair, I mean way from where I work. Hold on, I've just realised they are the same thing. Anyways I digress. I would trigress, but that isn't an actual word. These past two weeks have been pretty eventful.

6th of July , was my 3 month check with Dr Curtis. I think the appointment went well. This time Jodie came with me into Central London . We went in on the underground, which saved a heap of money, and for someone like me was a bit of an adventure. Nothing untoward happened, and if other people were starring it probably was at Jodie as she is seriously gorgeous. She even helped me find the clinic as a sense of direction is not my strong point. She left me to see the good Doctor and have my bloods taken.

Everything seems to be going well enough. According to the doctor I presented myself with n euythemic mood. No I am not a member of a popular 80s pop combo, but points to those of you that know what it means without looking it up in a dictionary. I had to. Afterwards we met in Selfridges had the best salad I have ever tasted. It may not seem exciting, but this was just perfect, and I would heartily recommend it to everyone. We went round few shops and had a cup of tea, all really nice, and then caught show. This one was Grease which was great fun even before we saw it s Stacey reduced me to tears with an impersonation over the phone of someone singing a certain Beyonce song. I won't go into details but a always she had me near tears with laughter. I even caught the comb of 'Danny' at the end of the show, and we beat hasty exit as 200 13 year old girls turned towards us.

The following Wednesday I met Jodie and a really good friend, Amber to see Oliver . It was a bit fraught to begin with s Amber was coming to work, but turned up with bout 15 minutes to spare, and Jodie turned up just before the show starting due to an idiot pulling the emergency cord on the train. Needless to say she still turned up looking amazing. The show was so much fun, and we all enjoyed it I think.

Of course in my previous blog entry ( which I'm sure you've all read) the following weekend was Sparkle, which I attended for the first time, and so enjoyed. Then Tuesday I was finally persuaded to attend ( and thankyou you know who for persuading me!) a new girl's first foray into the outside world. Gave me a chance to try my Jessica Simpsons , which went okay. The meal was lovely and I fell in love with credit crunch cocktails!!!! You had to be there, but trust me they are yummy. Penelope was I think very nervous, but looked great and I hope really enjoyed herself. I really enjoyed myself, and felt completely at ease with Jodie, Stacey. Lisa, Dee, and Penelope. Such great company.

Wednesday just gone was another meal out. This one with Jodie, Stacey and Lisa. We met another person there, who was really great company, and I hope I get the chance to meet them again. The restaurant was real class act. The food was of very high standard, and the staff were cute. I mean professional.

So it was all good. At least most of it was. Towards the end of the night, for reasons I won't go into here, I felt really upset. Luckily I have the love and support of truly astonishing friends, but even they must reach some breaking point for my self doubt and self flagellation. There must come point when they won't be able to stand it anymore. However they don't seem to have reached it yet, thankfully.

So here I am sitting blogging away and facing having to return to work. There re such good times in my life. I have such good kind loving people in my life. So why do I find it hard to believe that life will turn out okay? I guess my worries are; a low paid job in a rough area that I feel would at the LEAST be advantageous to move out of before I go full time. However even if I do I am never going to find a well paid job, my financial future is not either a secure one nor particularly bright one, but others have struggled with this. I guess I just think that I am going to find it tricky to cope with it.

Secondly I live with my Mum. Don't get me wrong she is lovely, and very kind and open about letting me be who I am but it isn't the same as having a place of your own. I would love to live somewhere like Shoreditch but it is never going to happen, and when my Mum passes away I have one brother who will not wait to get me out of the house so that he can get his share of the proceedings from it. I don't blame him, but it does make me feel insecure about what I will do.

Thirdly , and I'm sorry but this one is an old chestnut, there is still the belief that my friends will grow tired of me, or forget about me. Or find someone prettier or more exciting to be with, which wouldn't be difficult! Ha! Ha! And I will end up alone in this world.

Don't misunderstand me it's not that I think like this all the time, or even most of the time. But I do feel like this some of the time, and whilst I can sit down and say to myself you are being stupid, I can't seem to let little miss self doubt (one of the lesser known Little Misses) get into my mind. I need to find some way of dealing with this, and of taking positive steps forwards. Trouble is it ain't all that easy is it? OH it is?! Okay I'll get my coat......

Sparkle In The Rain

For those of my readers (I have readers???!!!!) that may of not heard of it, Sparkle is yearly celebration of all things transgendered held in Manchester, a city in the North West of England. Until this year I had never attended it, but several of my friends had, and this is is seemingly becoming a quite significant year for me, I thought that I might as well give it go.

I was lucky enough to be offered both a lift there and back by a friend of mine called Dee, another first timer. Dee is lovely t girl, who has real eye for style, and is more than happy with dressing whilst not taking it any further. This is really a long winded way of saying she is transvestite rather than a transsexual.

We drove up on Thursday morning, a journey that took about 4.5 hours, and arrived at The Place ( the hotel where we, and alot of other attendees were staying ) without too much trouble. All I can say is that I could quite happily live there. The rooms were huge, and it felt good to be able to spread my belonings out into the various cupboards and drawers without having to worry about space.

There was not a huge amount going on that evening, as Sparkle officially started on the Friday, but several of us met for an evening meal, which was very enjoyable. Afterwards I went back to the hotel and just chilled. I was quite tired after the journey, and wanted to be rested for the next day.

Friday came, and again, and Jodie, her sweet friend Gemma, and her lovely Mummy Maureen arrived. Jodie and the others worked so hard that weekend. On the Friday she did 14 makeovers, and on the Saturday 17!! For instance on the Saturday they started at 8.30 in the morning and finished at gone 7.00pm, and each girl was given such care and attention. Quite how they did it I don't know, but it was so appreciated.

Others went out to go shopping, or to bar or something else, and I stayed behind. It felt a little strange, but I just did not feel like heading out into the city centre. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't because I was worried or anything like that. I just didn't feel like it.

I guess it's something that I do struggle with. I find it had to believe, for at least some of the time if not all of it, that people truly want to spend time with me. I know it's silly. s I have said in previous blog entries I can it down and think rationally about it, but so often when I got out I feel like I'm almost intruding on other people's time. Of course I am maybe over empathising this. It's not like I feel it all the time, but it is something that I need to work on I think.

Once again there was a lovely meal in the evening with good friends. To me the food was okay, very pleasant, but the thing that made it was the company. Again I headed back to the hotel, maybe too early, but was happy enough in myself.

Saturday was when things really started to happen. There was a makeover in the morning followed by a journey into Manchester city centre with Lisa and Rachel. We wandered around the shops, and I looked at all the clothes and shoes ( I do love my shoes ) that I couldn't afford. It was very nice. Very ordinary. We were never bothered, at least not that I noticed, apart from one teenage girl who sniggered. It didn't really bother me. It was all over in a few seconds, and that person will have no impact on any of our lives. I would hope that anyone who has experienced this, which must be near enough 100%, would not let other's ignorance control how they live their lives. In fact at one point a very nice lady and her young daughter stopped and asked me directions. My ego would like me to think that they did not realise that I was transgendered, but maybe they just didn't care.

Later we met with others for a really nice meal at Harvey Nichols, an upper class department store, and I walked back with Stacey and Sarah as I had a makeover planned for the afternoon.
In the evening I met with a dear dear friend called Jilly, and her wife Diane, as well as Ashley and Deborah. We had the most gorgeous meal at a place called Vigglgieos (?) and then the heavens opened.

We made it back to the hotel, not too wet, and settled down in the hotel bar. Two women joined us and started chatting. They were on a hen night, and nothing to do with Sparkle. They were so open to learning about us all, so open, and an utter joy to talk to. What made it for me was that until I told her, the woman that I was chatting to thought that I was a genetic woman. Now I am under no illusions of 'passing', but still when she said that. Well it meant alot to me.

Eventually I went back to my room, after having such a great night. I would have loved to have seen Jodie, Gemma, and Maureen, if only to thank them for all their hard work and for making it so special for me. Still it was good night spent with people I love, and you can't really get much better than that.

Of course Sunday saw me crashing back down to Earth, as we had to leave our friends and head back to London. So thankyou to each and every one of you girls who really made it such a lovely time.

Did I learn anything from this? I would like to think so. Even the negative things in life can be used in a positive way. Firstly I m the first to admit that I need to work on my confidence, and accept the fact that people might want to spend time with me, however hard that is to believe. Secondly I need to work harder on going out with friends. Rather than just tagging along or sitting alone I need to make some steps in reaching out to others, whether that's phone call or a text or whatever. I cannot expect it to come to me. I need to do something. Thirdly I can, whilst maybe not passing, at lest live in the real world. I can go out shopping, or to a bar or restaurant or whatever.

I am not saying that I am going to change these things overnight. Indeed as I write this I don't entirely believe it, but maybe these moments can be strung together to make a pretty good life, and maybe my friends do actually like spending time with me, and maybe just maybe I am a little stronger than I thought I was.

Thanks to Jodie, Gemma, Maureen (but not Spike!), Dee, Rachel, Lisa, Stacey, Jilly, Diane, Ashley, Deborah, Tessa, Sara, Sarah, Tina, Lisa S and anyone else for being such great people.

Lisa's Birthday

Two celebrations of sorts this week. Wednesday was three months to the day that I started hormone treatment. I won't bore you with the details of how my body has changed, but needless to say there have been changes, and not only physical ones. It's a journey that has its' good and its' bad moments, like anything in life, but at least I am on it, and have good friends with me. I go to see Dr Curtis on Monday to have my three month check up, get my blood tests taken, and hopefully get another supply of patches and maybe anti-androgens.

Yesterday was pretty good one. I'm not talking about work you understand? I mean it's like working in a sauna there. I work at the back of a store, which is in a shopping mall, and has neon strip lights, but no air conditioning. Actually strictly speaking that isn't true. It has air conditioning, but it just doesn't work; at all; ever. So working there is bit like being a chicken in a halogen oven. Roasted Emma Banin, hardly appetising! My only solution is to a) drink lots of water, and b) put on on so much anti-perspirant that if you grabbed hold off me I would shoot out of your hands like a bullet from a gun. No that isn't fun at ll. Still it's job, and until I can find something else, if I can find something else, it will have to do.

No, yesterday was good for two reasons. Firstly it was the last day I would have to be back there for two whole weeks, and secondly, and far more importantly, it was Miss Lisa Taylor's Birthday. Now alot of you on FB will know Lisa. She is a U.S. girl who has alot of drive and determination, but does not lose sight of kindness and love. A real joy to know for anyone who knows her. We all met at restaurant in Soho called Zillis. A place no one had been to before, but as we discovered really nice. Great friendly and helpful staff, and really nice food. Of course some of us where there on time *cough* *cough*, and some of us weren't! But in the end there was a good crowd there to celebrate Lisa's big day.

It was a great night. There were cards, presents, and a very sweet moment when Jodie , who works so hard at making her friends feel special, had arranged for the staff to bring out Lisa's Birthday cake. Also there were two really lovely ladies from a film production company in America. Their openess, and friendliness were very refreshing. I spent alot of time chatting with Jennifer, and really hope that I have the opportunity to get to know both of them alot better.

So it was Lisa's night, and I hope one that she enjoyed. As she said in a brief, but moving speech, "I feel like I have a family." So do I. I know that whatever my insecurities and the problems that I face, as we all must do, I am in many ways extremely lucky. It's good to feel wanted, even though I continue to find it difficult to see why anyone would. Still it's a nice feeling, and sometimes we need to just go with the flow, and not over analyse things. I left the girls to get a night bus back, already missing them, and thinking about the week ahead. So girls thankyou for a lovely night.