So this is the first posting to my blog in sometime. I bet all you who follow this, thought you had gotten away with it didn't you? Thought you would no longer have to read my senseless and completely self absorbed mutterings. Well how wrong were you!? Yes folks it's time for you to waste yet another x amount of minutes of your life reading this rubbish. Unless of course you've stopped reading now and are watching the X Factor or some such programme. Of course if you have you won't be reading this, so for all of you that are I have wasted even more of your time needlessly.


So here I am on Sunday after what was a great Saturday night out, ruminating on things. Something I do too much of really. Things have moved on. Life has progressed. I am by nature a very emotional person. Perhaps too emotional for my own good. I tend to think about things far too much. Analyse every little detail, and wonder what people meant when they say something. But then if you haven't gathered this by now you really haven't been paying attention. So rather than sitting down with one particular thought or point (why break the habit of a lifetime? ) I am just writing down whatever pops into this empty little head of mine.



Life changes us as people. Things happen that forms our thoughts and changes our emotions about things. Sometimes this is good. It means we are learning. We are growing. Sometimes though, well it kind of gets me down. As I said above I am an emotional girl. This can be both a good and bad thing. Without wanting to go bleating on about what a lonely childhood I had, because compared to many others my life was pretty good, my family was never really a 'family'. We kind of get along okay now, but I can't in all honesty say that I have a close relationship to either my Father or either of my brothers. However I get along with my Mummy very well . As I transition, yes of course the hormones are vitally important, and the changes they are making to me are a blessing. It means I don't hate the 'person' I see in the mirror so much. But what has been the biggest thrill to me is making emotional connections to people. Of having a kind of family. Indeed I do tell some of them this. I get the feeling it kind of freaks them out a little bit, and maybe this is something that I should keep to myself, but it is how I feel. So when I make connection to someone. When I call them a friend, it means something. I'm not saying it doesn't for others, or that whatever they feel when they say it is not just as valuable. I'm just saying that it changes how I feel inside.



So, and this is the point that I am somewhat going the scenic route to make, when that person changes, or drifts away, it kind of freaks me out, and what's worse it does it slowly. Now we all have our lives to lead, and that may mean that it takes us down different paths. There's nothing wrong with that, but knowing that doesn't make it hurt less. Of course I don't feel like this for every single person who I come across in life, but for those I call friend, for those who make n emotional impact on my life yes I do mean it! Of course there is very little I can do about it. You can offer support to others. You can offer them advice. But in the end you have to let them led their own life and make their own decisions. For those times that mean that we are no longer close then I have to learn to deal with it with less drama I guess. Posting whaling emotional outbursts on Twitter or Facebook, or whatever may provide an emotional outlet for myself, but does little to endear me to others, and certainly provides no solution to the problem.



Whilst I can deal with that intellectually, as much as it may sadden me, the other thing I have seen happen to friends is something that I have a huge problem with. Oooh. That sounds nicely dramatic doesn't it? Wish I had some suitable music to play, but Steps Gold Greatest Hits doesn't quite do it justice. What I mean is, and I haven't seen or experienced it with a lot of people, but with enough thank you very much, is someone changing their whole attitude and behaviour. Someone going from a loving kind thoughtful person to someone who is completely wrapped up in themselves and their own well being. I sometimes feel that I am in danger of becoming like that myself, so I do try to not only care for others, but let them know that I genuinely do, whilst at the same time not being too intrusive into their lives, and riding a unicycle whilst juggling chainsaws and wearing a blindfold. Okay well not the last bit but you get the idea. What's worse is when that person presents different sides of themselves to different people. When they deliberately lie and manipulate others to get what they want. I just don't get it. Why do it? are they saying that the friendship that whatever good times we had meant nothing? Because that's what it seems like to me. I have no answer to this, nor any expectation of one, I am just throwing it out there for anyone to think about or to ignore and watch tv instead.



Of course ultimately I believe that redemption, or positive change or whatever spin you want to put on it is possible for everyone. For that to happen though the person has to recognise that something is wrong, and that they may have hurt others. Sadly too often they refuse to accept this. I am not judging others. Really I'm not. Who am I to judge anyone? But I can't help but feel these things. Not only does it mean that those they have hurt continue to hurt, but it also means that they are missing out on love and support and so much that could be positive in their life.



In the end I guess that any relationships we form, be they romantic, or friendship demand a degree of faith in those we choose to get to know. We have to take a risk that it may not work out. That life may lead that person elsewhere or that they, or indeed ourselves, may change, because the only other option is to choose to be alone. To choose not to open ourselves up in case of being hurt. Some can and willingly make this choice, and every strength to them if that is what they want, but for me I don't want to. I want those friendships, the new 'family' I've made, even if it means that I might get hurt when it all goes South.

Shut up

So here's another long winded moan about how dreadful my life is, how I am a complete fraud, and all my friends are in the process of moving on with their lives whilst I get left behind. Actually it isn't really. At least it's not meant to be. That was just an example of the point I m trying to make. Everyone, regardless of how 'fantastic' their lives appear to be, regardless of how successful or popular they are, has worries and problems. But they don't share theirs with the mass public, and sometimes don't share them with anyone. So why do I, and I guess others, seem so intent of letting not only our 'friends', but people we have no connection at all to, know every intimate detail, and every deepest feeling, of our lives? Does it help us? Does it help them? And do they really want or even need to know?



Listen I don't want this to be turned into some great big cry for help, but I have been going through a tough point in my life at the moment, and no matter how hard I try to control how I feel, and to be positive, those nasty little doubts and fears keep creeping up on me and whispering in my ear. I can try and ignore them. I can try and meet them head on. But at the end of the day they always seem to be there waiting for me. But does anybody really care, and even if they do is it really fair to them to force this into their lives?



As I have transitioned the thing that has really struck me, and I might have said this to you before, I usually do repeat myself, is that whilst the physical changes are great (and oh how brilliant they are), it's the emotional and psychological journey that has really struck me. I don't mean 'realising' I was a transsexual. I have never had any doubts about who and what I am. I mean the connections, be they brief or other wise, that I have made with others, and the friendships I have made. The good times and the bad times I have had. Of course we are all different, but I do think that anyone who tries to ignore this aspect of themselves and concentrate purely on the physical journey is heading towards trouble.



But, and here's the problem, there is a world of difference between thinking and feeling these things, and sharing them with the world. Does anybody really care? And even if they do it strikes me as rather self centred to impose this upon them (see I told you I repeated myself), be it by blogs or status updates or the other 1001 things that make it possible for us to share our innermost thoughts. So why do it?



I guess that there isn't one nice neat answer. People do like to put things into neat little categories don't they? I mean even within the transgendered community I have heard and seen heated discussions of what it is to be a ts or a tv or whatever. There does seem to be an attitude that if you are not doing it this way, or not experiencing this thing, then it's all wrong and you should be ashamed of yourself. Indeed some people seem to think it's kind of competition or race. The truth is that we all need to find our own way in life. To find our own path and to tread it as kindly as possible.



Anyway I digress. Back to my point you lucky readers. I have always been an emotional kind of person. Even when I was young, and there were only 3 channels on television (yes that long ago)I reacted very emotionally to things. As some told me recently I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I think that is absolutely true. So thanks to Mr Inter and his net I am now able to share those feelings and reactions with complete strangers, and even better than that friends who already know how I feel. But there comes a point, no matter how wonderful your friends are, and no matter what sort of pain you are in, that when they see another posting from you they are going to roles their eyes to the ceiling and sigh. There is only so much anyone can take.



I guess that this is playing on my mind as I see those I have become close to, perhaps too close to, move on with their lives, both personally and professionally. Caught between wanting to shre my feelings with them, and knowing that more likely than not they don't really want or need to know. Of course I am pleased for them. Of course I want them to be nothing but happy and fulfilled, particularly those I am very close to , because not only do they deserve it, but they have given me so much. However as they become more successful, or enjoy their lives more, I see that I appear to be standing still. To not really be going anywhere. Nor am I likely to, at least that is one of my fears. I will be left behind. It's a bit like standing on the side of a road as your nearest and dearest speed off to good times in some snappy little sports car.



But why put my thoughts and feelings into blogs, or Twitter, or Facebook, or .. hang on let me just check. Keep yourselves amused...... on yeah emails, phone calls, text messages, and in person. Okay think that's everything. Is it some kind of escape valve? A way to let all of these fear out of my system? I like to think that I am an honest kind of person. If anyone asks me something I always try to be completely truthful, whilst not hurting anyone. I am more than happy to share any aspect of my life that others may want to know. I guess it comes down to knowing when to shut up and keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, not for your benefit but for theirs.



Personally I care deeply for my friends. In fact some of them know I consider them family, and indeed am closer to them than any of my blood relatives. Perhaps that is part of my problem. As I have said to others I become too emotionally attached to those I care about. Anyway I am digressing yet again. I want to know how they feel, whether they are happy or sad, and how I can help them. To help them achieve their dreams, and I don't think that laying all this upon them is particularly helpful to them.



Am I looking for that to be reciprocated? Is that why I do this? I don't think so, at least not consciously. I have been told to get a grip, to stop looking for a pity party. I wasn't aware that I was doing this. I thought I was just sharing how I felt with others. Oh and before I go on those that said this are GOOD kind people, so please do not think ill of them. However not only does this kind of make my appoint about being an irritation, but maybe they are right. Maybe I am lookinf for that party. Maybe that is why I post these things, because I think that there isn't anything else they could feel for me.



I once was chatting with friends about what the future held for us, and the possibility came up that I might well end up alone in some pokey little bedsit. You know what I think that is a distinct likelihood. I think the person that suggested that I might was right. They weren't trying to be cruel, or to make me worry. They were simply trying to point out that for those of us that lead this life it can be a lonely place to be. So maybe I post these things for someone to tell me I wont. That I wont be alone in a pokey bedsit. Maybe it's reassurance I want.



I don't know. The truth is that it's probably a combination of all or none of these. Life is rarely, I won't say never just rarely, simple. The answers to any of this emotionally filled rubbish that springs forth from my (or anyone elses) keyboard are not to be found in one neat little sentence. Maybe part of the answer is to step back from sharing all these thoughts. To give others a chance to breath.



As to me I don't want you to get the wrong impression. The trouble with reading anything like this, is that it starts to define how others see you. In fact it becomes the only way others see you. Yes I have these worries and fears, and yes I do think that the reality is that as others move on I will get left behind, but do I let it dominate my life? Is it all that I think about and feel? I don't think so. At least I try not to let it define me, and for this precise moment in time that will have to do. I think there is way more to me than this. It's just knowing when to share it and when to shut up!

The Past 2 Weeks

So aren't you the lucky ones? Two blogs in one day! What do you men you haven't even read the other one?! Actually I'm not surprised, but at least writing them gives me something to do.
Well I have been on holiday, away from the pit of despair, I mean way from where I work. Hold on, I've just realised they are the same thing. Anyways I digress. I would trigress, but that isn't an actual word. These past two weeks have been pretty eventful.

6th of July , was my 3 month check with Dr Curtis. I think the appointment went well. This time Jodie came with me into Central London . We went in on the underground, which saved a heap of money, and for someone like me was a bit of an adventure. Nothing untoward happened, and if other people were starring it probably was at Jodie as she is seriously gorgeous. She even helped me find the clinic as a sense of direction is not my strong point. She left me to see the good Doctor and have my bloods taken.

Everything seems to be going well enough. According to the doctor I presented myself with n euythemic mood. No I am not a member of a popular 80s pop combo, but points to those of you that know what it means without looking it up in a dictionary. I had to. Afterwards we met in Selfridges had the best salad I have ever tasted. It may not seem exciting, but this was just perfect, and I would heartily recommend it to everyone. We went round few shops and had a cup of tea, all really nice, and then caught show. This one was Grease which was great fun even before we saw it s Stacey reduced me to tears with an impersonation over the phone of someone singing a certain Beyonce song. I won't go into details but a always she had me near tears with laughter. I even caught the comb of 'Danny' at the end of the show, and we beat hasty exit as 200 13 year old girls turned towards us.

The following Wednesday I met Jodie and a really good friend, Amber to see Oliver . It was a bit fraught to begin with s Amber was coming to work, but turned up with bout 15 minutes to spare, and Jodie turned up just before the show starting due to an idiot pulling the emergency cord on the train. Needless to say she still turned up looking amazing. The show was so much fun, and we all enjoyed it I think.

Of course in my previous blog entry ( which I'm sure you've all read) the following weekend was Sparkle, which I attended for the first time, and so enjoyed. Then Tuesday I was finally persuaded to attend ( and thankyou you know who for persuading me!) a new girl's first foray into the outside world. Gave me a chance to try my Jessica Simpsons , which went okay. The meal was lovely and I fell in love with credit crunch cocktails!!!! You had to be there, but trust me they are yummy. Penelope was I think very nervous, but looked great and I hope really enjoyed herself. I really enjoyed myself, and felt completely at ease with Jodie, Stacey. Lisa, Dee, and Penelope. Such great company.

Wednesday just gone was another meal out. This one with Jodie, Stacey and Lisa. We met another person there, who was really great company, and I hope I get the chance to meet them again. The restaurant was real class act. The food was of very high standard, and the staff were cute. I mean professional.

So it was all good. At least most of it was. Towards the end of the night, for reasons I won't go into here, I felt really upset. Luckily I have the love and support of truly astonishing friends, but even they must reach some breaking point for my self doubt and self flagellation. There must come point when they won't be able to stand it anymore. However they don't seem to have reached it yet, thankfully.

So here I am sitting blogging away and facing having to return to work. There re such good times in my life. I have such good kind loving people in my life. So why do I find it hard to believe that life will turn out okay? I guess my worries are; a low paid job in a rough area that I feel would at the LEAST be advantageous to move out of before I go full time. However even if I do I am never going to find a well paid job, my financial future is not either a secure one nor particularly bright one, but others have struggled with this. I guess I just think that I am going to find it tricky to cope with it.

Secondly I live with my Mum. Don't get me wrong she is lovely, and very kind and open about letting me be who I am but it isn't the same as having a place of your own. I would love to live somewhere like Shoreditch but it is never going to happen, and when my Mum passes away I have one brother who will not wait to get me out of the house so that he can get his share of the proceedings from it. I don't blame him, but it does make me feel insecure about what I will do.

Thirdly , and I'm sorry but this one is an old chestnut, there is still the belief that my friends will grow tired of me, or forget about me. Or find someone prettier or more exciting to be with, which wouldn't be difficult! Ha! Ha! And I will end up alone in this world.

Don't misunderstand me it's not that I think like this all the time, or even most of the time. But I do feel like this some of the time, and whilst I can sit down and say to myself you are being stupid, I can't seem to let little miss self doubt (one of the lesser known Little Misses) get into my mind. I need to find some way of dealing with this, and of taking positive steps forwards. Trouble is it ain't all that easy is it? OH it is?! Okay I'll get my coat......

Sparkle In The Rain

For those of my readers (I have readers???!!!!) that may of not heard of it, Sparkle is yearly celebration of all things transgendered held in Manchester, a city in the North West of England. Until this year I had never attended it, but several of my friends had, and this is is seemingly becoming a quite significant year for me, I thought that I might as well give it go.

I was lucky enough to be offered both a lift there and back by a friend of mine called Dee, another first timer. Dee is lovely t girl, who has real eye for style, and is more than happy with dressing whilst not taking it any further. This is really a long winded way of saying she is transvestite rather than a transsexual.

We drove up on Thursday morning, a journey that took about 4.5 hours, and arrived at The Place ( the hotel where we, and alot of other attendees were staying ) without too much trouble. All I can say is that I could quite happily live there. The rooms were huge, and it felt good to be able to spread my belonings out into the various cupboards and drawers without having to worry about space.

There was not a huge amount going on that evening, as Sparkle officially started on the Friday, but several of us met for an evening meal, which was very enjoyable. Afterwards I went back to the hotel and just chilled. I was quite tired after the journey, and wanted to be rested for the next day.

Friday came, and again, and Jodie, her sweet friend Gemma, and her lovely Mummy Maureen arrived. Jodie and the others worked so hard that weekend. On the Friday she did 14 makeovers, and on the Saturday 17!! For instance on the Saturday they started at 8.30 in the morning and finished at gone 7.00pm, and each girl was given such care and attention. Quite how they did it I don't know, but it was so appreciated.

Others went out to go shopping, or to bar or something else, and I stayed behind. It felt a little strange, but I just did not feel like heading out into the city centre. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't because I was worried or anything like that. I just didn't feel like it.

I guess it's something that I do struggle with. I find it had to believe, for at least some of the time if not all of it, that people truly want to spend time with me. I know it's silly. s I have said in previous blog entries I can it down and think rationally about it, but so often when I got out I feel like I'm almost intruding on other people's time. Of course I am maybe over empathising this. It's not like I feel it all the time, but it is something that I need to work on I think.

Once again there was a lovely meal in the evening with good friends. To me the food was okay, very pleasant, but the thing that made it was the company. Again I headed back to the hotel, maybe too early, but was happy enough in myself.

Saturday was when things really started to happen. There was a makeover in the morning followed by a journey into Manchester city centre with Lisa and Rachel. We wandered around the shops, and I looked at all the clothes and shoes ( I do love my shoes ) that I couldn't afford. It was very nice. Very ordinary. We were never bothered, at least not that I noticed, apart from one teenage girl who sniggered. It didn't really bother me. It was all over in a few seconds, and that person will have no impact on any of our lives. I would hope that anyone who has experienced this, which must be near enough 100%, would not let other's ignorance control how they live their lives. In fact at one point a very nice lady and her young daughter stopped and asked me directions. My ego would like me to think that they did not realise that I was transgendered, but maybe they just didn't care.

Later we met with others for a really nice meal at Harvey Nichols, an upper class department store, and I walked back with Stacey and Sarah as I had a makeover planned for the afternoon.
In the evening I met with a dear dear friend called Jilly, and her wife Diane, as well as Ashley and Deborah. We had the most gorgeous meal at a place called Vigglgieos (?) and then the heavens opened.

We made it back to the hotel, not too wet, and settled down in the hotel bar. Two women joined us and started chatting. They were on a hen night, and nothing to do with Sparkle. They were so open to learning about us all, so open, and an utter joy to talk to. What made it for me was that until I told her, the woman that I was chatting to thought that I was a genetic woman. Now I am under no illusions of 'passing', but still when she said that. Well it meant alot to me.

Eventually I went back to my room, after having such a great night. I would have loved to have seen Jodie, Gemma, and Maureen, if only to thank them for all their hard work and for making it so special for me. Still it was good night spent with people I love, and you can't really get much better than that.

Of course Sunday saw me crashing back down to Earth, as we had to leave our friends and head back to London. So thankyou to each and every one of you girls who really made it such a lovely time.

Did I learn anything from this? I would like to think so. Even the negative things in life can be used in a positive way. Firstly I m the first to admit that I need to work on my confidence, and accept the fact that people might want to spend time with me, however hard that is to believe. Secondly I need to work harder on going out with friends. Rather than just tagging along or sitting alone I need to make some steps in reaching out to others, whether that's phone call or a text or whatever. I cannot expect it to come to me. I need to do something. Thirdly I can, whilst maybe not passing, at lest live in the real world. I can go out shopping, or to a bar or restaurant or whatever.

I am not saying that I am going to change these things overnight. Indeed as I write this I don't entirely believe it, but maybe these moments can be strung together to make a pretty good life, and maybe my friends do actually like spending time with me, and maybe just maybe I am a little stronger than I thought I was.

Thanks to Jodie, Gemma, Maureen (but not Spike!), Dee, Rachel, Lisa, Stacey, Jilly, Diane, Ashley, Deborah, Tessa, Sara, Sarah, Tina, Lisa S and anyone else for being such great people.

Lisa's Birthday

Two celebrations of sorts this week. Wednesday was three months to the day that I started hormone treatment. I won't bore you with the details of how my body has changed, but needless to say there have been changes, and not only physical ones. It's a journey that has its' good and its' bad moments, like anything in life, but at least I am on it, and have good friends with me. I go to see Dr Curtis on Monday to have my three month check up, get my blood tests taken, and hopefully get another supply of patches and maybe anti-androgens.

Yesterday was pretty good one. I'm not talking about work you understand? I mean it's like working in a sauna there. I work at the back of a store, which is in a shopping mall, and has neon strip lights, but no air conditioning. Actually strictly speaking that isn't true. It has air conditioning, but it just doesn't work; at all; ever. So working there is bit like being a chicken in a halogen oven. Roasted Emma Banin, hardly appetising! My only solution is to a) drink lots of water, and b) put on on so much anti-perspirant that if you grabbed hold off me I would shoot out of your hands like a bullet from a gun. No that isn't fun at ll. Still it's job, and until I can find something else, if I can find something else, it will have to do.

No, yesterday was good for two reasons. Firstly it was the last day I would have to be back there for two whole weeks, and secondly, and far more importantly, it was Miss Lisa Taylor's Birthday. Now alot of you on FB will know Lisa. She is a U.S. girl who has alot of drive and determination, but does not lose sight of kindness and love. A real joy to know for anyone who knows her. We all met at restaurant in Soho called Zillis. A place no one had been to before, but as we discovered really nice. Great friendly and helpful staff, and really nice food. Of course some of us where there on time *cough* *cough*, and some of us weren't! But in the end there was a good crowd there to celebrate Lisa's big day.

It was a great night. There were cards, presents, and a very sweet moment when Jodie , who works so hard at making her friends feel special, had arranged for the staff to bring out Lisa's Birthday cake. Also there were two really lovely ladies from a film production company in America. Their openess, and friendliness were very refreshing. I spent alot of time chatting with Jennifer, and really hope that I have the opportunity to get to know both of them alot better.

So it was Lisa's night, and I hope one that she enjoyed. As she said in a brief, but moving speech, "I feel like I have a family." So do I. I know that whatever my insecurities and the problems that I face, as we all must do, I am in many ways extremely lucky. It's good to feel wanted, even though I continue to find it difficult to see why anyone would. Still it's a nice feeling, and sometimes we need to just go with the flow, and not over analyse things. I left the girls to get a night bus back, already missing them, and thinking about the week ahead. So girls thankyou for a lovely night.

Blame It On The Hormones

So it's Sunday morning and I'm taking a break from sorting out my clothes for Sparkle. It's been an odd sort of week, well an odd sort of life if truth be told, but maybe more about that later, or not at all depending on how I feel.It started off much like any other week. Trying to get to work and back on an overcrowded bus, and then dealing with variety of angry / smelly, rude customers. Actully that's not entirely fair. There have been some very sweet and nice ones too. I guess the only thing is, is that the nasty ones do tend to outway the nice ones, but then that's the nature of the job.
I was looking forward to a bite to eat with the person who has been an astonishingly positive force in my life, Jodie Lynn, but come the Tuesday the poor thing had a terrible headache, and being the trooper that she is had been out with Rachel Green ( a girl who is a real pleasure to call a friend) on a shopping trip, so was not really up to then going out on top of that. So Tuesday night I was feeling a little worried about Jodie, who tends to put others before herself, and sorry for myself sat at home watching some show on television that I can't even remember.
Wednesday was much a repeat of the previous two days, every day at work is much the same, and then home again to watch television whilst all my friends went out to TrannyShack and enjoyed themselves whilst forgetting about me, or at least that's what I felt (can you see where this is going yet?).
Thursday was slightly different. I was at work for 6.30 am, as for some stupid reason I had volunteered to come in at that time to start some work early. At least it meant that I left a little early and headed into central London to meet up with Jodie for a bite to eat. I did alot of walking around. Mostly Leicester Square and Covent Garden until it was time to meet, and found out that the adorable Stacey was coming as well, since Jodie and her had had some business in central London.It was great to see them, but then it always is. If nothing else, itt reminds me of how lucky I am to know have such people in my life.
We had a nice meal at Balans. We laughed, we heard about the troubles that make lives that much more frustrating, and then we eventully went our seperate ways. I was feeling pretty good, although in my worrying mode I was still thinking if this was something that they felt obliagated to do rather than they wanted to do. Then I got home to find that both Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett had died.
Alot of people have questioned why people have made such a fuss about these two people whilst there are wars and faminine around the world. My response to that would be two fold; one who's to say that we cannot be concerned about both, and two; these people help make the soundtrack to our lives. Their music, their performances were at moments of our lives that we remember. They affected us emotionally, and when that happens you feel that they are part of your life. When they die, it is personnal to you.
Friday came, and I seemed to update my FB status every 5 minutes. I was a bit hyper that day. I was still worrying about things, but also knew that whatever else happens I need to move forward with my life. So I had my camera with me. For some time I had been telling my best friend at work that I would show her the photos from my New York holiday. Now I m not the most confident person, although I have got better, I am still a little bit shy. So for me to do this it was quite a big deal. In the afternoon I finally showed my friend the photos. I started off with a photo of Jodie, then her mummy, then a photo of Jodie, myself and Stacey at the Top of the Rock. Her reaction was quite funny. She looked at the photo of the three of us for awhile and then the slow realisation that the one in the middle was me. She pointed at me and said is that you?
The next thing she did? Said it must be so hard for you, and then hugged me! Later on she siddled up to me and said I think you look very beautiful! So I was grinning like a chesire cat for the rest of the day. She also said it wasn't that much of a surprise, and maybe this is something we might talk about later as she seems very open to talking about it. Couldn't have had a better reaction really.So thankyou Jodie. Thankyou Stacey. Indeed thankyou all the friends I have who have helped give me abit of confidence, and the ability to take a chance every now and then.
Okay so that's mixture of positive and negative I guess, but the thing that I have been thinking about whilst sorting through my clothes, including a vinatge dress that I got in NYC (sorry but it is one of my favourite things) is why when I have all this positive stuff happening in my life, whn things are heading in the right direction, do I worry so much? I worry about my job. I worry about ever getting a place of my own. I worry about actully getting FFS (and this is something that I want purely for myself ), and most of all I worry that my friends will forget me, or that we'll drift apart.
Now is it just me, or is this a little bit bonkers? I mean I can sit down here listening to Michael Jackson King Of Pop with the window open and a gentle breeze blowing and it all seems stupid, and yet I know that tomorrow I will start worrying again. I can reason that I have known most of my friends, apart from girls like Lisa, Dee, Rachel, for a number of years, it is unlikely that we won't know each other for many years to come. So I reckon that it's a combintion of knowing that I m no longer in contact with any old friends from school or even my previous job in Birmingham, and the old hormones . The thing is , is that I love these people so much, they mean so much to me, and I don't really know how 'successful' my transition will be, that the thought of losing them is pretty scary. So to those of you who might get the brunt of this I do apologise. Really I do, but I blame it on the hormones.xxxx

Restless.

The weather is changing. It's a little bit warmer, a little bit less snow, and the sun shines a little bit brighter, but it's still cold. I guess life is like that. I mean things change, and granted there can be times when it happens in the blink of an eye, but generally change gradually. Sometimes this is good. It allows us time to get used to things, to grow accustomed to them, and sometimes it can be stressful. Wanting a situation to change quickly and having to wait for things.

I guess that that is what my life is like at the moment. When I look at where I have come from, from where I started this journey that I am on I certainly have come along way, and yet I have such a long way to go, and sometimes it seems too far to actually ever reach that place, wherever that place might actually be.

2009 will be a big year for me. Personal matters not connected with my transsexuality prevented me from beginning hormones, and coming out to the rest of my family last year. Hopefully things have improved to allow me to really step up the gears a bit. Of course I don't want to rush headlong into things, but I have had 40 odd years of living a lie ( a cliche but true), and to be honest with you I'm fed up with it. I did not realise just how much it affected me physically let alone psychologically and emotionally.

I used to get all manner of cold,illnesses and the like. Since I came out to my Mom, since I started actually doing something, of taking some postivie steps forward in my life, most if not all of those things have disappeared.Is this a sign that I am doing the right thing? Well I have never had any doubt that I am, but if others needed proof I think this is it.

So I am doing things now that I should have done a long time ago. Next Friday I have an appointment with Dr Curtis and hopefully this will lead to starting hormones. Then a week after that I and 3 good friends ( all of which are stunning girls ) will be attending a speech by Dr Spiegel, and 3 of us will be taking the opportunity to have a consultation with him, since one of our group has already had some work done, and looks fabulous for it. Of course it does not mean that I am going to have FFS next week, but it is giving me options. Options which I will take at the right time for me.

I have lots of social occassions lined up. Theatre trips, a holiday to New York, (the first time I have been abroad for 17 years!) and various nights out one of which is my Mom meeting two girls (one gg one tg) who mean the world to me. It's all good stuff. In many ways it's all monentus stuff, so why do I feel so restless? I don't want this to sound too dramatic. It's not like I am wracked with despair or am sat alone in the dark listening to Leonard Cohen albums.

At the end of the day I guess that we can all feel like this, irrespective of being ts, tv or genetic. It's life isn't it? I think that some ts girls make the mistake of thinking that transitioning will solve all their problems, and make them happy. Of course it wont. In fact in some ways it may well create new ones. Although society on the whole is more accepting, there is still bigorty out there, and still a long way to go before all transgendered people are accepted, and treated, just as people. However what transitioning does do is allow those of us that decide to undertake it to face life, and all it's good and bad moments, as ourselves, as the people we truly are, without the great weight of being in the wrong body, of not being able to recognisee ourselves in the mirror.

Snow Day!!

Well the snow outside is falling still. About 5 or 6 inches on the ground. All London buses are suspended as well as alot of the underground network. This leaves me with the only option to walk 5 miles into work. I've called into work, and they have said not to work in, but if the transport situation improves to get in.

So where was I? Yeah I was telling you a bit about how I come to be where I am at the moment. I guess that my story is not alot different to that of many other transgendered women. I am the youngest of three children. My Father was largely absent from our lives. His concentration was always his career. Well that and cheating on my Mother. I didn't find out that fact until last year when I came out to my Mom. Not only that but he was, and I guess still is, bisexual. My Mom married him knowing that this was the case. Back in those days if his colleagues had found out it would have been the end of his career. So she married him thinking he would be family orientated and be able to give her the children she really wanted.

Of course it all went wrong. They divorced when I was 10 or so, but I was never told this. It wasn't like I missed him, as he was rarely there. He would have several affairs and not really have much if anything to do with his children. It was a case of diminishing really. The eldest was okay, as he was clever and tall, and everything a parent could want. The second was less so, a bit of a rogue who got into a bit of trouble, and by the time I came along I was really payed much attention to by him.

I guess we get on okay now. He is a lonely old man rattling around in a huge house and I have some degree of sympathy for him. I wrote him a letter sometime ago pouring out my feelings about my childhood (although not mentioning my transsexualism). His response was not brilliant, but the act of writing that letter was very carthetic. Alot of his life is about how things affect him, and how HE feels, but then I guess we are all like that to a degree. I have written a letter explaining that I am a ts, and hope to give that to him soon. So we will see if this brings us closer or not.

My two brothers seem to compete to see how much that could bully and upset me. It could be anything from the music I liked to what I read, or the games I liked to play. I think my middle brother wanted to impress my eldest brother,and the way to do this was to make me cry or run to my room and slam my door. However now, although there is a certain distance between us, we get on okay. They were children too and trying to find their place in the world so I bear them no ill will.

Lucky I had, and still do have, my Mom. We were very close, and in many ways she was my refuge from what my brothers threw at me. But there was this whole secret part of me that they knew nothing about. Or at least that is what I thought. I would read books or recored programmes on transsexuals or transvestites. Or cut out magazine or newspaper articles. ALot of these didn't ring true to me. It was like they were on target, but just not hitting the bullseye. It wasn't until I read about April Ashley that that light bulb went on in my head, and I recognise that that is how I felt. That is what I was.

Still the possibility of 'changing sex' seemed a fantastical one to me, and about as realistic as jumping in the Millenium Falcon and flying off. So I contented myself with those articles and books, with lonely and hurried dressing sessions in those few brief moments I afforded myself in my room. I thought that that is how it would always be. Some sort of half life. Living, but not really living.That wonderful thing called the internet opened up my world alot. I saw that this was something that other felt too. It wasn't just me and a few 'celebrity' transsexuals. And yet I was never truly convinced that it was possible for me. Sure for others, but not for me.

I would go to a certain 'shop' that dealt in ts and tv books and clothes. It gave me a little relieft, but it still felt not right. It was all too sexual based, and seedy. It was all geared towards being sexually aroused and it wasn't how I felt. I didn't want to be turned on. I wanted to be a woman. Then I found a place called The Boudoir. This is a dressing service run by a genetic girl called Jodie. The adverts had no sexual element to them, and I thought one person I could handle dressing in front of one person.

So I travelled up to London and walked around outside the place for , I guess it must have been 1 or 2 hours. Eventually I went in. I guess I thought it's make or break. It's take a risk or just continue to live this rather sad little life. We all have turning points in our lives. Moments when one small decision can have an effect that continues to send ripples throughout the rest of our lives. That was one of those moments.

Jodie is now one of my dearest dearest friends. Through gently pushing out of that nest I have a social life. I go to the theatre, to meals out, to clubs. Heck in 4 months I will be going to New York! I never thought this was possible. That I could express my true self, and enjoy life as the person that I really am. That all sounds a bit cliched doesn't it? But I really don't know how else to put it, because that is how I feel.

So again I thought this is how my life is going to be. I can't live as a woman. I can't transition (as I now recognised it), but at least this makes life more bearable. Well yet again life surprised me. I started facial hair removal treatment, which is progressing well. I had my eyebrows shaped from the large monobrow to two much more feminine brows. I started ordering more feminine clothes, and actually made an appointment to see gender specialist Dr Richard Curtis, who is a female to male transsexual. Then my Mom found out. She said she wanted to have a chat with me, and I sort of got a notion of what it was going to be about. He attitude towards gay or transgendered people had always been rather old fashioned so I wasn't expecting an easy ride, and yet for some reason I wasn't afraid. I certainly wasn't ashamed.

We sat down at the kitchen table and talked. It was so ordinary. It was so relaxed. There was no dramatic music or drum role. No 'Never darken my doorstep!'. Sure there were questions. Did I want to be a woman? Was I going to change sex? I answered all her questions. For some reason I cannot explain I was calm, and I was determined not to let the opportunity for her to get to know her daughter pass by. When she found out that it wasn't some sexual kick, that I had friends and a social life she was pleased, and yes I do mean pleased.

Life continues to progress. She is slowly coming to terms with it I think. I gave her a copy of a book 'True Selves' which helped alot, and continue to answer any questions she may have. It's a continuing process. It is not a case of she accepts end of story. This year she bought me two pieces of jewelry and adressed my Christmas card to Emma. Little things that mean the world to me. There is a way to go, and other family members to come out to, but as my Mom proved people can surprise you.

FFS, SRS. These are things in my future. I don't know about employment. I have a feeling that I will need to get another job. The people I currently work with are good people, but the area is a relatively rough one, and it seems it might be wise to look elsewhere. However my future looks more rosey that I thought it could. I have some truly amazing friends, and people to support and love me. Sure I would love a place of my own, a new job, and of course someone to love and to love me, but most importantly living as the woman I am is not only possible, but will happen and that is priceless.

So I guess I start here.

It's late on a Sunday night. The snow is falling outside, and I really should be in bed, not watching late night television, and working on this blog. Mind you it's about time that I wrote something for this. I mean I have had a blank page for long enough.

Sometime I feel that that is exactly what my life has been like. One big blank page that shows nothing, and has nothing worth remembering. Well at least that is how I used to feel. I have drifted through life aimlessly for so many years. Too many years, and now I would be lying if I didn't say that I had a sense of direction, of at the very least, where I want to be.

But I am getting ahead of myself, and not for the first time. Patience has never been a great virtue of mine. Sure I have bitten my tongue and stayed quiet, but inside I have been burning up. So if anyone is reading this you can probably guess that I am transgendered. The title kind of gives it away really doesn't it? To put it more precisely I am a transsexual. A male to female pre-op transsexual.

I live in London, Britain's capital city, and work here too. It's a great city in many ways. In terms of things to do and see it offers so much, and for those of us that are transgendered alot of good contacts. But a big city has its' own set of problems too. It can be, no it is, expensive, and can be impersonal at times. People are always in a rush, and will physically push into you. Maybe it's modern life, maybe because alot of the people in the city don't actually live there. I'm not sure, and I guess that in the end it doesn't really matter. We just have to get on with it don't we?

I came here about 5 years ago, and it was then that things really began to move forward for me towards wherever my journey takes me to. I only recently realised how isolated I was in my previous city. I have stayed in regular contact with just one friend from there. A guy who does not know of my t status, but we were/are good friends, so who knows how he would react if he found out, and I find that a bit shocking.

Don't get me wrong I got on fine with the people I worked with. More than fine with quite a few of them, and yet now that we no longer work together that relationship, has for all intent and purpose has broken down. I can live with that, and yet it does strike me as rather sad. That I can spend so much time with people, and yet the relationship isn't as strong, or as deep, as I thought it was.

But again I am getting ahead of myself here. It's late and I really should be getting some sleep, but I'll explain a bit more in my next entry, which I am sure you will all be waiting with baited breath for! Until then Ciao!